I am Home

Christmas 2016 was incredibly special and unique for my little family. Early in the season, perhaps early November, we decided to spend our Christmas vacation in Idaho, planning to leave just as soon as the kids got out of school.

We drove straight through Monday morning December 18th, hoping to be there by Tuesday to give my dad leave to attend a funeral or some type of event Tuesday morning. We arrived after 8 pm. The kids already knew Christmas this year would be different. We left presents under our tree here in Redmond. We took our stockings to fill in Idaho. I told them Christmas would be rather quiet and that Grandma might not even recognize us.

I didn't expect Mom to be awake when we arrived and couldn't have asked for a better homecoming than seeing Mom and Dad in the living room in their "seats" (Dad in his and Mom lying on the couch).

Mom recognized and happily welcomed us all. She listened to our stories and interacted with each of us. It was glorious. She was alert and awake. I couldn't have asked for more. 

Each day that week, Darren planned very fun activities with the kids. The first day, they went ice skating in Logan.

The second and third days, they went downhill skiing (first time) at Beaver Mountain Ski Resort in Logan. The fourth day, cousins were out of school :-).

This picture shows the adventurers after one of their fun days, telling Grandma all about the fun.

I relished every minute with my mother, any drop of water she would accept, I wanted to be there to minister to her needs.

The first two days, she was strong enough to walk a little, down the hall. She ate very little. Pain was managed with a hydrocodone pain patch on her precious back. When she was alert, I stayed right by her side, reading to her from her autobiography. I also brought along a musical CD with songs by her brother Montie. She seemed to really enjoy listening to him sing. She ate and drank barely anything the entire time I was there.

The Fuller Family Christmas party was scheduled for Friday night that week at Don's house. I had a hard time transferring over to party mode honestly. I couldn't think of anything but my mom's needs. Janie did such a good job with the party and made it memorable and special for all.

Human Nativity

Cute boys

New Grandpa with his darling Oakli Fae

Darren patiently teaching his girl how to play pool

Saturday, we all decided to go bowling. The Pop N Pins venue hasn't changed in 25 years and probably not 25 years before that :-). I had VERY good luck bowling and am sure the bumpers were only a psychological boost 😉

I felt a little sad leaving Mom and Dad even for a minute, even for fun memories. Dad was worn out physically. His shoulders, hips, and back were so worn out, he couldn't bend over to put his shoes and socks on. By the end of the week, my back ached and I felt discouraged with thoughts of leaving Dad to do this on his own. Sunday, Christmas Eve, was the lowest I saw Mom's health. I lay near her sleeping, and worried.

With the help of three other women in the house that afternoon (Janie and Tawna), we convinced Dad to call the home health/hospice nurse Diane. It was after Diane came and administered to Mom's needs that I realized sadly, Mom would never be leaving the house again.

Christmas Eve was wonderful. Curt and Tawna made it really special with a dinner and program about our Grandma Fuller and specific details (from her life history) of the Christmases she had. Then, we went up to the cemetery to light candles, sing, and honor our ancestors.

A few of us came back for games afterward, this one is Family Feud

Christmas Day was really special. My Moss family did presents and stockings (they hadn't seen the surprise packages I was able to fit in the car). Dad didn't get up until much later.

The kids were great sports and it was all just wonderful. Mom stayed in bed all day, but the part where she was awake, I took all the dolls (I had given to my girls -- all doll things, knowing how much Mom would love seeing the dolls) back to Mom's room to show her the spoils of the day. Mom touched each dress and talked about the pretty things and how much she wanted to play dolls with me.

Driving home to Redmond was no easy feat. Saying goodbye to my mom was the hardest by far, of any previous goodbye, and they've all been difficult. I stayed in her room and just let the tears fall. She was sleeping. I think she opened her eyes when I kissed her.

Mom passed away January 14th, 2018, 1:55 a.m. Dad, Marci, Melissa, and Janie were in the home, though none were in the room at the exact passing, coming in just minutes after (we think). They called me (as requested - the evening before we each gave our preference as to how we wanted to be alerted). I was so groggy I couldn't pick up the phone but saw the message then tried to go back to sleep, which I definitely couldn't do. So, I called and mostly listened to them all. Everyone was in such a state of extreme relief and happiness that Mom's battle was complete.

The plans we'd been making for many months easily fell in place. Melissa and Tawna took care of immediate details (so grateful) and by the time Jess and I arrive, it was just special memories, one after another. This will be a time never forgotten.

Thursday, someone had the idea to have us all go to the temple together. My dad felt he needed to reserve his energy for the big weekend ahead. Being with my siblings was just incredible including Raq, Tawna, Kenzi, and Greg too. In the celestial room, when we were all together, it must have really been heaven.

Outside of the temple, we asked two ladies to take our pictures. We had talked with them inside briefly (they saw us all together and knew it must be really special). Anyway, it turns out they are my friends from Roy!! Sarah and her husband are whose places Darren and I exactly took in our ward callings (RS counselor and EQ pres) and Lacey and Tyler Knotts were our neighbors. Yes, I remembered them after they started asking how we looked familiar.  Cool huh?!

We enjoyed such a fun lunch at Juniper Takeout. We were all laughing and enjoying one another's company. The conversation naturally turned toward the funeral and we shared a little of how we expected things to go, hoping one another weren't sharing the same memories. That evening, we all gathered in our parents' home, going through things, much laughter and happiness. There was such a beautiful feeling there in that home. Everything was so natural and everyone at ease. Our Clifton community took our big Fuller family under their wing and loaded that house with food. As a family, we were just together.

Dad is at the far end, going through letters exchanged between he and Mom

Friday morning the sisters plus Raquel, Tawna, and Kenz went over to the funeral home to get things ready, including dressing Mom. Again, I felt such a huge wave of relief that Mom was no longer battling cancer. She seemed so natural to me, peacefully sleeping, just as she had so often during my visits. Raq and Kenz did her hair and it was so fun seeing her hair curled again, just as she always curled her hair. Dad had been taking care of her for a long time and he did her hair in his comb-over way, which also brings to mind such feelings of tenderness and caring.

So many cute little grandkids

The viewing that evening was beyond anything I could have imagined.
So many nice people, kind words, and so much love. The first ones through the line (nearly the first), were my dad's brothers. How special it was to see these fine men, supporting their brother. They stayed most of the viewing. There were so many people that came through, each bringing a feeling of warmth to me now as I reflect back. Our parents' friends from near and far, friends who Dad coached, friends and relatives - so many relatives, our own friends. When my mom's sisters came through, the tears just flowed.

Saturday's funeral and viewing beforehand were again, beyond my imagination. We tried to push through the line so quickly. Can you imagine how we felt to see our good neighbors (kids we grew up with) from Clifton, come to support and show love? The number of first cousins that came is unreal, some even flew from states away. I have come to realize that over that weekend, some of the very best friends I have in this whole world were there to support me. These things propel me to new heights, I must do better, I must be better.

The funeral program itself was beautiful. I've listened to it twice, read over the notes Jess took multiple times, and thought of the memories my siblings shared. Even just this morning (Feb 26th), I reflected on the image Curt shared of our mom racing out on the football field when West Side won the state championship in 2010. I also keep thinking about Dan's message of how our mom wasn't perfect yet always tried to be better.

Honoring our mother, that's what happened and it was incredible. President Dax Keller spoke at the end and gave such an inspiring message of faith in our savior Jesus Christ. He specifically referred to our mom understanding her identity as a daughter of God. He talked about how we can't go around this reality of our mom's passing, we must go through it and in doing so we become what our savior wants us to become.

Coming home, I wanted to feel the same feeling. Over the first few days, my best consolation were the little children I work with professionally, so guileless and loving. They just want to give me a big hug and then play a game. I think that might be a good message from my sport-loving mom, "get back in the game".